The couch potato was sitting with eyes glued to the TV set, nursing his
customary drink and cigarette, when his wife appeared through the door,
and began taking off her hat and coat. The man casually enquired where
she'd been, to which she replied that she'd been to see the Doctor
about her "ongoing problem".
"Oh" he said. Then, after a short pause for a sip of his drink and a
puff of his cigarette, he asked "What did the Doctor say ?"
She replied "The Doctor says there's only one cure for my complaint".
"Oh" he said. Then after a further pause, he enquired "What cure is
that, my dear ?"
The wife replied "The Doctor says the only cure for my complaint is
that I need loving 7 nights a week".
"Oh" he said. Eventually after much thought, involving several more
deep gulps of his beer and pulls on his cigarette. he finally said to
her "In that case, you'd better put me down for 2".
two shy dyslexic friends went on their first ever skiing holiday. On
the first morning, when they reached the top of the ski run, one said
to the other "Do we zig-zag down or do we zag-zig down ?"
The other admitted to being equally confused, and they both felt unable
to proceed down the slope until they could sort out what was for them a
very tricky problem. Eventually another man appeared at the top of the
slope, so one of the dyslexics plucked up courage and went across to
him and said "Excuse me, but could you help us please. Should we
zig-zag down or zag-zig down the slope ?". The man replied "I'm sorry,
but I can't help you. I'm a tobogganist".
"In that case", said the dyslexic "can I have 20 Benson and Hedges".
What do women and cowpats have in common.
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
His mom says, "A raven, dear."
Little Johnny then says,
"Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
His mom says, "A swallow!"
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out
and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad,
there's one." "No," said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son
said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman .
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat
her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?"
asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
It's an oldy but the timings right!
It's just not cricket...
The England Board of Selectors have just announced their choice for
Alec Stewart's replacement. They have chosen Paula Yates due to the fact
that she is the only English person who has been to Australia, f@#!d the
Aussies AND brought back the Ashes!
Two men were driving down the road when a sign appeared to them
advertising 'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!!'.
The two men looked at each other completely confused.
So they continued driving and they see the same sign.
'PEACHES FOR SALE, ANY WAY YOU LIKE THEM!!!! NEXT EXIT!!
So the two men looked at each other wondering, a peach is a peach, how
else would they come?
So they decided that they were going to check this place out.
When they arrived at the place that sold peaches any way you like them,
they got out of the car the place had a large shed and trees all around
growing with peaches.
The men looked around for a couple of minutes and an old farmer came
out of the shed asking how he could help the two young men.
Immediately one of the men asked about the sign advertising the peaches
any way you liked them.
The old farmer asked the first young man what his favorite kind of food
was and he said that he absolutely loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
So the farmer goes in his shed and gives the man a peach and tells him
to take a large bite out of it.
When the young man did so, he exclaimed, "WOW! This tastes just like
peanut butter!"
The old man told him to turn it around and taste the other side.
"WOW!", the young man said, "This tastes just like peach jelly!!!"
The farmer looked pleased with himself and he turned to the other young
man. "So what's your favorite kind of food?"
Well, this took him quite a bit longer to decide because he was so
amazed by this creation.
Then he finally looked at the farmer with a big grin and replied,
"Let's just see if you have this kind of peach in store. I would have
to say pussy, pussy is my FAVORITE kind of food!!"
So the farmer smiled and went into the shed and brought out another
peach and gave it to the young man.
The man took a large bite out of the peach waiting to savor the taste
and right when he did so, he shouted in disgust, "Man!! This tastes
like shit!!!!!"
The farmer smiled and looked at him and said, "Try the other side!!!".
Let that melt in your mouth
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank
with 2000 yen, and he walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He
asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.
The lady said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he
turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
A blonde with multiple problems goes in to see her doctor. "Doctor,"
she says, "It hurts when I touch my forehead. It hurts when I touch my nose.
It hurts when I touch my elbow. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor asks, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Yes," she replies proudly.
"Ah, then your finger is broken!"
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells to
each one of them to write back about their marriage life. So the first
one gets married.. The second day the letter arrives with a single
message..
'Maxwell Coffeehouse' Mother got confused and finally looks at the ad,
and it says..
SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP!
Mother is happy. The same way the second one gets married. After a
week the message arrives .... 'Rothmans' As usual mother looks into
the ad, and it says...
LIFE SIZE KING SIZE !!
Mother is happy. But after the third one's wedding, only after 4 weeks
the message arrives and it says 'BRITISH AIRWAYS' As usual mother
looks into the ad, and this time she faints.
THE AD : TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
A visiting professor is giving a seminar on the supernatural in Carson
City.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any
of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their
hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here
ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students
raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you
ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He
takes
off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,"Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his
way
up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Damn...from back there I thought you said
goats'".
an Englishman and a Scotsman were neighbours, and relations
between them were strained at the best of times.
The Scotsman owned a chicken of which he was justly proud.
Every morning the Scotsman would walk to the shed at the
bottom of his garden, and every morning, without fail, the
chicken had laid a single egg. And every morning the
Scotsman would eat the egg for breakfast.
One morning however, the chicken had jumped the fence, and
laid her egg in the Englishman's garden. It was early, and
so the Scotsman decided to climb over the fence and retrieve
"HIS" egg.
Just as he was taking the egg, the Englishman caught him in
the act.
"Put MY egg back" said the Englishman.
"It's my egg" said the Scotsman, "My chicken laid it".
"But she laid it in my garden" claimed the Englishman.
A heated argument developed.
To resolve the dispute, the Scotsman proposed the ancient
Highland Bollock Kicking contest. The rules were simple.
First the Scotsman would kick the Englishman in the groin,
as hard as he could. He would then time the Englishman's
rate of recovery. The Englishman would then take his turn.
Whoever recovered in the shortest time would run out the
winner of the Auld Highland Bollock Kicking Contest.
The Englishman agreed to this barbaric method of settling
their dispute, and each man went home to prepare themselves
for the event, each pulling on their heaviest pair of boots.
The Englishman braced himself. The Scotsman ran up and took
a mighty sweep and caught the Englishman squarely between
the legs. The Englishman clutched his groin, and fell to the
ground in agony, tears streaming down his cheeks.
The Scotsman timed the rate of recovery. A full 21 minutes
it took.
The Englishman stood up, and regaining his composure said
"Right you bastard, it's my turn. Brace yourself".
"Ach", said the Scotsman, "if it means that much to you, you
can keep the egg".
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got
a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and
sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a
seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar
and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young
lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man
joined the lady and they went to her apartment,
where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was
developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home
doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked
the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman
was and where she lived.
"Sure, why?
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
Three guys were discussing how drunk they got the
night before. The first one says "I was so drunk,
I blew chunks all night!"
The second one says, "I was so drunk I passed out
in an alley!"
The third one says "That's nothing, I got so drunk
I brought home this dame I didn't even know and
had sex with her. Then my wife walked in!"
The first guy says, "Uh...I don't think you two
understood how drunk I was... Chunks is my dog."
A man wakes up in hospital and shouts, "Nurse. I can't feel my legs."
The nurse replies, "Yes. I'm sorry sir, but we had to amputate your
arms."
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?
Decaffeinated.
Once upon a time, an old witch opened a tea room alongside a busy
road. It
was a very good location, and she prospered. Then the witch figured
if she
cut corners, she could make even more money. So she started using the
same
tea bags over and over. But her customers noticed the decrease in
quality
and soon stopped coming....and the witch went bankrupt. Moral: Honest
tea
is the best policy.
Two men standing at a bar.
Man #1 saying to Man #2, "See that spitune over there in the corner, I
bet
you $20 you can't drink out of that for 20 seconds."
Man #2 said "Your on", he proceeds to approach the spitune, noticing
it was
filled to the brim with phelm tobacco juice and who knows what else,
puts
it to his mouth and starts drinking.
Man #1 starts timing, 20 seconds comes and goes but Man #2 is still
drinking. Getting rather disgustedl, Man #1 says "You proven you can,
please stop your making me sick watching you"
After about 2 minutes Man #2 finally stops, wipes his mouth.
Man #1, "Why didn't you stop?"
Man #2, "I tried, but it was all one piece."
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs"
"Odd, " Her companion replies "but if we shall live in America, we
might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
and
they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please" says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps them both hot
dogs in
foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their
"dogs". The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it
for
a moment, leans over to the other nun and asks cautiously: "What part
did
you get?"
An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a
living.
One day the son hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber
into
town, collected his money and left more rubber all the way back home,
where
he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you
know
I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't
spend it
on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn't even
afford a
license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a damn
cheap
one, too!"
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in
walks
a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding last week
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will
marry
my mum next year."
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry
my
mum."
The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards
please
pass the salt."
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to
the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were
quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little
dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up
behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging
tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through
the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who
questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
...
poohatek11