God appeared in a dream to the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates. He told them, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days." The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to heaven in 30 days." Bill Clinton woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days." Bill Gates woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to deal with any more Windows '95 complaints." **** A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life. He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright."Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here." St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas .."Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him." St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..." **** Windows 95- The Truth at last ------------------------------- Are you continually exposed to baffling advertising copy? Are you ashamed to admit that you don't know what some of those phrases mean? Worry no more, because distinguished linguist Noram Romski has conclusively proved that these advertisements are NOT WRITTEN IN ENGLISH. They are, in fact, written in the obscure Middle American language Microsoft, thought to be a member of the Finno-Ugric family of languages and distantly related to Late High Tekspiek. To help you, Blitz School of Languages in association with Professor Romski has compiled the following handy guide to several common phrases: Microsoft Translation --------- ----------- "... exploits to the full the "Runs just as slowly on the capabilities of the powerful new platform as the last version new processor." did on the previous one." "... based on extensive user "One of the engineers has feedback." his monitor propped up on an inch-thick sheaf of bug reports." "... crammed with essential "Comes on thirty-two CD-ROMs features." and takes up 8.9 gigabytes on your hard disk." "... part of an integrated "The spelling dictionaries product line." are still incompatible, but the boxes are all the same size." "... fast ..." "We managed to save a test document before it crashed." "... reliable ..." "We didn't need to restart after the crash." "... easy-to-use ..." "It didn't corrupt the disc catalog either." "... user-friendly ..." "Utterly useless." "... puts you in charge ..." "We've added some more buttons for you to click." "... lets you work the way yo "Do you still remember where want to." you put your slide rule and pencil?" "... will change the way you "That's putting it mildly." work ..." "... maximises your "Incompatible with your two productivity." favourite videogames and the screensaver." "... for users who are serious "You need a PhD just to figure about computing ..." out the installation process." "... a giant leap forward ..." "Incompatible with files produced by the previous version." "... compatible with all major "What's UNIX?" platforms ..." "... new artificial-intelligence "The spellchecker knows how to form features ..." plurals by putting 's' on the end of words and the help system gives you patronising advice you don't want." "... completely redesigned "They hit us with a lawsuit" look-and-feel interface ..." "... Power User features help "Control-Option-Space-Alt-Del-Z you work faster ..." brings up the formatting dialog." "... clip art library "The local primary school has a included ..." color scanner." **** No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk, Okay Windows does that, too Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature So, Windows is *not* a virus **** What is windows 95 you ask? Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition." **** TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE THINK THE 95 IN WINDOWS 95 REALLY STANDS FOR --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. The number of floppies it will ship on. 9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware. 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required 7. The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual. 6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS 5. The number of minutes to install 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run 3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade 2. Half of the MHz required for the OS to run. 1. The year it was DUE to ship. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- **** Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell. The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons. "This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer. "Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," she replied as she vanished. **** If restaurants functioned like Microsoft: Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered th...
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