The Wench Is Dead.
Colin Dexter
Chapter One
Thought depends absolutely on the stomach; but, in spite of that, those who have the best stomachs are not the best thinkers
(Voltaire, in a letter to d'Alemberi)
Intermittently, on the Tuesday, he felt sick. Frequently, on the Wednesday, he was sick. On the Thursday, he felt sick frequently, but was actually sick only intermittently. With difficulty, early on the Friday morning - drained, listless, and infinitely weary - he found the energy to drag himself from his bed to the telephone, and seek to apologize to his superiors at Kidlington Police HQ for what was going to be an odds-on non-appearance at the office that late November day.
When he awoke on the Saturday morning, he was happily aware that he was feeling considerably better; and, indeed, as he sat in the kitchen of his bachelor flat in North Oxford, dressed in pyjamas as gaudily striped as a lido deckchair, he was debating whether his stomach could cope with a wafer of Weetabix - when the phone rang.
'Morse here,' he said.
'Good morning, sir.' (A pleasing voice!) 'If you can hold the line a minute, the Superintendent would like a word with you.'
Morse held the line. Little option, was there? No option, really; and he scanned the headlines of The Times which had just been pushed through the letter-box in the small entrance hall - late, as usual on Saturdays. 'I'm putting you through to the Superintendent,' said the same pleasing voice - 'just a moment, please!'
Morse said nothing; but he almost prayed (quite something for a low-church atheist) that Strange would get a move on and come to the phone and say whatever it was he'd got to say . . . The prickles of sweat were forming on his forehead, and his left hand plucked at his pyjama top pocket for his handkerchief.
'Ah! Morse? Yes? Ah! Sorry to hear you're a bit off-colour, old boy. Lots of it about, you know. The wife's brother had it - when was it now? - fortnight or so back? No! I tell a lie - must have been three weeks, at least. Still, that's neither here nor there, is it?'
In enlarged globules, the prickles of sweat had re-formed on Morse's forehead, and he wiped his brow once more as he mumbled a few dutifully appreciative noises into the telephone.
'Didn't get you out of bed, I hope?'
'No - no, sir.'
'Good. Good! Thought I'd just have a quick word, that's all. Er . . . Look here, Morse!' (Clearly Strange's thoughts had moved to a conclusion.) 'No need for you to come in today - no need at all! Unless you feel suddenly very much better, that is. We can just about cope here, I should think. The cemeteries are full of indispensable men - eh? Huh!'
'Thank you, sir. Very kind of you to ring - I much appreciate it - but I am officially off duty this weekend in any case—'
'Really? Ah! That's good! That's er . . . very good, isn't it? Give you a chance to stay in bed.'
'Perhaps so, sir,' said Morse wearily.
'You say you're up, though?'
'Yes, sir!'
'Well you go back to bed, Morse! This'll give you a chance for a jolly good rest - this weekend, I mean - won’t it? Just the thing - bit o' rest - when you're feeling a bit off-colour - eh? It's exactly what the quack told the wife's brother - when was it now . . . ?'
Afterwards, Morse thought he remembered concluding this telephone conversation in a seemly manner - with appropriate concern expressed for Strange's convalescent brother-in-law; thought he remembered passing a hand once more over a forehead that now felt very wet and very, very cold - and then taking two or three hugely deep breaths and then starting to rush for the bathroom . . .
It was Mrs Green, the charlady who came in on Tuesday and Saturday mornings, who rang treble-nine immediately and demanded an ambulance. She had found her employer sitting with his back to the wall in the entrance-hall: conscious, seemingly sober, and passably presentable, except for the deep-maroon stains down the front of his deckchair pyjamas - stains that in both colour and texture served vividly to remind her of the dregs in the bottom of a coffee percolator. And she knew exactly whatthey meant, because that thoughtlessly cruel doctor had made it quite plain - five years ago now, it had been - that if only she'd called him immediately, Mr Green might still . . .
'Yes, that's right,' she heard herself say - surprisingly, imperiously, in command: 'just on the southern side of the Banbury Road roundabout. Yes. I'll be looking out for you.'
At 10.15 a.m. that same morning, an only semi-reluctant Morse condescended to be helped into the back of the ambulance, where, bedroom-slippered and with an itchy, grey blanket draped around a clean pair of pyjamas, he sat defensively opposite a middle-aged, uniformed woman who appeared to have taken his refusal to lie down on the stretcher-bed as a personal affront, and who now sullenly and silently pushed a white enamel kidney-bowl into his lap as he vomited copiously and noisily once more, while the ambulance climbed Headley Way, turned left into the grounds of the John Radcliffe Hospital complex, and finally stopped outside the Accident, Casualty, and Emergency Department.
As he lay supine (on a hospital trolley now) it occurred to Morse that he might already have died some half a dozen times without anyone recording his departure. But he was always an impatient soul (most particularly in hotels, when awaiting his breakfast); and it might not have been quite so long as he imagined before a white-coated ancillary worker led him in leisurely fashion through a questionnaire that ranged from the names of his next of kin (in Morse's case, now non-existent) to his denominational preferences (equally, alas, now non-existent). Yet once through these initiation rites - once (as it were) he had joined the club and signed the entry forms - Morse found himself the object of considerably increased attention. Dutifully, from somewhere, a young nurse appeared, flipped a watch from her stiffly laundered lapel with her left hand and took his pulse with her right; proceeded to take his blood pressure, after tightening the black swaddling-bands around his upper-arm with (for Morse) quite needless ferocity; and then committing her findings to a chart (headed MORSE, E.) with such nonchalance as to suggest that only the most dramatic of irregularities could ever give occasion for anxiety. The same nurse finally turned her attention to matters of temperature; and Morse found himself feeling somewhat idiotic as he lay with the thermometer sticking up from his mouth, before its being extracted, its calibrations consulted, its readings apparently unsatisfactory, it being forcefully shaken thrice, as though for a few backhand flicks in a ping-pong match, and then being replaced, with all its earlier awkwardness, just underneath his tongue.
‘I'm going to survive?' ventured Morse, as the nurse added her further findings to the data on his chart.
‘You've got a temperature,' replied the uncommunicative teenager.
‘I thought everybody had got a temperature,' muttered .'Morse
For the moment, however, the nurse had turned her back on him to consider the latest casualty.
A youth, his legs caked with mud, and most of the rest him encased in a red-and-black-striped Rugby jersey, had just been wheeled in - a ghastly looking Cyclopean slit across his forehead. Yet, to Morse, he appeared wholly at his ease as the (same) ancillary worker quizzed him comprehensively about his life-history, his religion, his relatives. And when, equally at his ease, the (same) nurse put him through his paces with stethoscope, watch, and thermometer, Morse could do little but envy the familiarity that was effected forthwith between the young lad and the equally young lass. Suddenly - and almost cruelly - Morse realized that she, that same young lass, had seen him -Morse! - exactly for what he was: a man who'd struggled through life to his early fifties, and who was about to face the slightly infra-dignitatemembarrassments of hernias and haemorrhoids, of urinary infections and - yes! - of duodenal ulcers.
The kidney-bowl had been left within easy reach, and Morse was retching violently, If unproductively, when a young houseman (of Morse's age, no more than half) came to stand beside him and to scan the reports of ambulance, administrative staff, and medical personnel.
'You've got a bit of nasty tummy trouble - you realize that?'
Morse shrugged vaguely: 'Nobody's really told me anything yet.'
'But you wouldn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to suspect you've got something pretty radically wrong with your innards, would you?'
Morse was about to reply when the houseman continued. 'And you've only just come in, I think? If you could give us - Mr, er, Morse, is it? - if you give us a chance, we'll try to tell you more about things as soon as we can, OK?'
I’m all right, really,' said the duly chastened Chief Inspector of Police, as he lay back and tried to unloose the knot that had tied itself tight inside his shoulder muscles.
'You're not all right, I'm afraid! At best you've got a stomach ulcer that's suddenly decided to burst out bleeding' - Morse experienced a sharp little jerk of alarm somewhere in his diaphragm - 'and at worst you've got what we call a perforated ulcer ; and if that is the case . . . '
'If that is the case . . . ?' repeated Morse weakly. But the young doctor made no immediate answer, and for the next few minutes prodded, squeezed, and kneaded the paunchy flesh around Morse's abdomen.
'Found anything?' queried Morse, with a thin and forced apology for a grin.
'You could well lose a couple of stone. Your liver's enlarged.'
'But I thought you just said it was the stomach!'
'Oh yes, it is! You've had a stomach haemorrhage.'
'What's - what's that got to do with my liver?'
'Do you drink a lot, Mr Morse?'
'Well, most people have a drink or two most days, don't they?'
'Do you think a lot?' (The same words - a semitone of exasperation lower.)
As non-commitally as his incipient panic would permit, Morse shrugged his shoulders once more: 'I like a glass of beer, yes.'
'How many pints do you drink a week?'
A week?' squeaked Morse, his face clouding over like that of a child who has just been given a complex problem in mental multiplication.
'A day, then?' suggested the houseman helpfully.
Morse divided by three: 'Two or three, I suppose.'
Do you drink spirits?'
‘Occasionally.'
'What spirits do you drink?'
Morse shrugged his tautened shoulders once again: 'Scotch - sometimes I treat myself to a drop of Scotch.'
'How long would a bottle of Scotch last you?'
'Depends how big it was.'
But Morse immediately saw that his attempt at humour was ill appreciated; and he swiftly multiplied by three: 'Week - ten days - about that.'
'How many cigarettes do you smoke a day?'
'Eight . . . ten?' replied Morse, getting the hang of things now and smoothly dividing by three.
'Do you ever take any exercise - walking, jogging, cycling, squash . . . ?'
But before Morse could switch back to his tables, he reached for the kidney-bowl that had been left within reach. And as he vomited, this time productively, the houseman observed with some alarm the coffee-grounds admixed with the tell-tale brightly crimsoned specks of blood - blood that was de-oxygenated daily with plentiful nicotine and liberally lubricated with alcohol.
For some while after these events, Morse's mind was somewhat hazy. Later, however, he could recall a nurse bending over him - the same young nurse as earlier; and he could remember the beautifully manicured fingers on her left hand as she flipped the watch out again into her palm; could almost follow her thoughts as with contracted brow she squinted at the disturbing equation between his half-minute pulse-rate and the thirty-second span upon her watch ...
At this point Morse knew that the Angel of Death had fluttered its wings above his head; and he felt a sudden frisson of fear, as for the first time in his life he began to think of dying. For in his mind's eye, though just for a second or two, he thought he almost caught sight of the laudatory obituary, the creditable paragraph.
Chapter Two
Do you know why we are more fair and just towards the dead? We are not obliged to them, we can take our time, we can fit in the paying of respects between a cocktail party and an affectionate mistress - in our spare time
(Albert Camus, The Fall)
When Morse awoke the following morning, he was aware of a grey dawn through the window of the small ward, 10 his left; and of a clock showing 4.50 a.m. on the wall above the archway to his right, through which he could see a slimly attractive nurse, sitting in a pool of light behind a desk, and writing in a large book. Was she writing, Morse wondered, about him? If so, there would be remarkably little to say; for apart from one very brief bout of vomiting in the small hours, he had felt, quite genuinely, so very much better; and had required no further attention. The tubing strapped to his right wrist, and stretching up to the saline-drip bottle hooked above his bed, was still dragging uncomfortably against his skin most of the time, as if the needle had been stuck in slightly off-centre; but he'd determined to make no mention of such a minor irritant. The awkward apparatus rendered him immobile, of course - at least until he had mastered the skills of the young man from the adjacent bed who had spent most of the previous evening wandering freely (as it seemed) all over the hospital, holding his own drip high above his head like some Ethiopian athlete brandishing the Olympic torch. Morse had felt most self-conscious when circumstances utterly beyond his control had finally induced him to beg for a 'bottle'. Yet - thus far - he had been spared the undignified palaver of the dreaded 'pan'; and he trusted that his lack of solid nutriment during the preceding days would be duly acknowledged with some reciprocal inactivity by his bowels. And so far so good!
The nurse was talking earnestly to a slightly built, fresh-faced young houseman, his white coat reaching almost to his ankles, a stethoscope hooked into his right-hand pocket. And soon the two of them were walking, quietly, unfussily, into the ward where Morse lay; then disappearing behind the curtains (drawn across the previous evening) of the bed diagonally opposite.
When he'd first been wheeled into the ward, Morse had noticed the man who occupied that bed - a proud-looking man, in his late seventies, perhaps, with an Indian Army moustache, and a thin thatch of pure-white hair. At that moment of entry, for a second or two, the old warrior's watery-pale eyes had settled on Morse's face, seeming almost to convey, same faint message of hope and comradeship. And indeed the dying old man would certainly have wished the new patient well, had he been able to articulate his intent; but the rampaging septicaemia which had sent a bright-pink suffusion to his waxen cheeks had taken from him all the power of speech.
It was 5.20 a.m. when the houseman emerged from behind the curtains; 5.30 a.m. when the swiftly summoned porters had wheeled the dead man away. And when, exactly half an hour later, the full lights flickered on in the ward, the curtains round the bed of the late Colonel Wilfrid Deniston, OBE, MC, were standing open, in their normal way, to reveal the newly laundered sheets, with the changed blankets professionally mitred at the foot. Had Morse known how the late Colonel could not abide a chord of Wagner he would have been somewhat aggrieved; yet had he known how the Colonel had committed to memory virtually the whole poetic opus of A. E. Housman, he would have been most gratified.
At 6.45 a.m. Morse was aware of considerable activity the immediate environs of the ward, although initially could see no physical evidence of it: voices, clinking of crockery, squeaking of ill-oiled wheels - and finally Violet, a happily countenanced and considerably overweight West Indian woman hove into view pushing a tea-trolley. This was the occasion, clearly, for a pre-dawn beverage, and Morse welcomed it! For the first time in the past fey days he was conscious of a positive appetite for and drink; and already, and with envy, he had surveyed the jugs of water and bottles of squash that stood on the bedside tables of his fellow-patients, though for some reason not on the table of the man immediately opposite, one Walter Greenaway, above whose bed there hung a rectangular plaque bearing the sad little legend NIL BY MOUTH.
‘Tea or coffee, Mr Greenaway?'
‘I'll just settle for a large gin-and-tonic, if that's all right by you.'
'Ice and lemon?'
'No ice, thank you: it spoils the gin.'
Violet moved away massively to the next bed, leaving Mr Greenaway sans ice, sans everything. Yet the perky sixty-odd-year-old appeared far from mortified by his exclusion from the proceedings, and winked happily across at Morse.
'All right, chief?'
'On the mend,' said Morse cautiously.
'Huh! That's exactly what the old Colonel used to say: On the mend . Poor old boy!'
'I see,' said Morse, with some unease.
After Greenaway's eyes had unclouded from their appropriate respect for the departed Colonel, Morse continued the dialogue.
'No tea for you, then?'
Greenaway shook his head. 'They know best, though, don't they?'
'They do?'
'Wonderful - the doctors here! And the nurses!'
Morse nodded, hoping indeed that it might be so.
'Same trouble as me?' enquired Greenaway confidentially.
'Pardon?'
'Stomach, is it?'
'Ulcer - so they say.'
'Mine's perforated!' Greenaway proclaimed this fact with a certain grim pride and satisfaction, as though a combination of the worst of disorders with the best of physicians was a cause for considerable congratulation. 'They're operating on me at ten o'clock - that's why I'm not allowed a drink, see?'
'Oh!' For a few seconds Morse found himself almost wishing he could put in some counter-claim for a whole gutful of mighty ulcers that were not only perforated but pierced and punctured into the bargain. A more important matter, however, was now demanding his attention, for Violet had effected a U-turn and was (at last!) beside his bed.
She greeted her new charge with a cheerful grin. 'Morning, Mr, er' (consulting the Biro'd letters on the name-tab) 'Mr Morse!'
'Good morning!' replied Morse. 'I'll have some coffee, please - two spoonfuls of sugar.'
'My, my! Two-sugars!' Violet's eyes almost soared out of their whitened sockets towards the ceiling; then she turned to share the private joke with the grinning Greenaway.
‘Now, look you here!' (reverting to Morse): 'You can't have no coffee nor no tea nor no sugar neither. Oh right?' She wagged a brown forefinger at a point somewhere above the bed; and twisting his neck Morse could see, behind his saline apparatus, a rectangular plaque bearing the sad little legend NIL BY MOUTH.
Chapter Three
Flowers, writing materials, and books are always welcome gifts for patients; but if you wish to bring food or drink, do ask the Sister, and she will tell you what is advisable
(Oxford Health Authority, Handbook for Patients and Visitors)
Detective Sergeant Lewis came into the ward just after seven o'clock that Sunday evening, clutching a Sainsbury carrier-bag with the air of a slightly guilty man walking through the Customs' shed; and at the sight of his old partner, Morse felt very glad, and just a little lachrymose.
'How come you knew I was here?'
'I'm a detective, sir - remember?'
'They phoned you, I suppose.'
'The Super. He said you sounded awful poorly when he rang yesterday morning. So he sent Dixon round, but you'd just been carried off in the ambulance. So he rang me and said I might like to see if the NHS is still up to scratch - see if you wanted anything.'
'Something like a bottle of Scotch, you mean?'
Lewis ignored the pleasantry: I'd've come in last night, but they said you weren't to have any visitors - only close relatives.'
‘I’ll have you know I'm not quite your Orphan Annie , Lewis. I've got a great-aunt up in Alnwick somewhere.'
'Bit of a long way for her to come, sir.'
'Especially at ninety-seven’
'Not a bad fellow, Strange, is he?' suggested Lewis, after a slightly awkward little pause.
'Not when you get to know him, I suppose,' admitted Morse.
'Would you say you've got to know him?'
Morse shook his head.
'Well?' said Lewis briskly. 'How are things? What do they say's the trouble?'
‘Trouble? No trouble! It's just a case of mistaken identity.'
Lewis grinned. 'Seriously, though?'
'Seriously? Well they've put me on some great big round white pills that cost a couple of quid a time, so the - nurses say. Do you realize you can get a very decent little bottle of claret for that price?'
'What about the food - is that all right?'
'Food? What food? Except for the pills they haven't given me a thing.'
'No drink, either?'
'Are you trying to set back my medical progress, Lewis?'
'Is that what - what that means?' Lewis jerked his eyes upwards to the fateful warning above the bed.
'That's just precautionary,' said Morse, with unconvincing nonchalance.
Lewis's eyes jerked, downwards this time, towards the carrier-bag.
'Come on, Lewis! What have you got in there?'
Lewis reached inside the bag and brought out a bottle of lemon-and-barley water, and was most pleasantly surprised to witness the undisguised delight on Morse's lace.
'It was just that the missus thought - well, you know, you wouldn't be allowed to drink - to drink anything else much.'
'Very kind of her! You just tell her that the way things are I'd rather have a bottle of that stuff than a whole crate of whisky.'
'You don't mean that, do you, sir?'
'Doesn't stop you telling her, though, does it?'
'And here's a book,' added Lewis, withdrawing one further item from the bag - a book entitled Scales of Injustice: A Comparative Study of Crime and its Punishment as Recorded in the County of Shropshire, 1842-1852.
Morse took the thick volume and surveyed its inordinately lengthy title, though without any obvious enthusiasm. 'Mm! Looks a fairly interesting work.'
'You don't mean that, do you?'
'No,' said Morse.
'It's a sort of family heirloom and the missus just thought—'
'You tell that wonderful missus of yours that I'm very pleased with it.'
'Perhaps you'll do me a favour and leave it in the hospital library when you come out.'
...
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