OPENING CREDITS - This week, Ipswich! DOUGLAS: Golf Tango India, continue as cleared. Thank you, Shannon. MARTIN: Do you want any more of this, Douglas? DOUGLAS: No, I don't think so, I think I'm done. MARTIN: All right. Arthur! ARTHUR: Yeah, Skip. MARTIN: Cheese tray is now open to Arthurs. ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! Thanks, chaps. Oh, wow, almost a whole squidgy one! (unwraps and chews loudly) It's funny, this is like something I saw on a wildlife show last night. DOUGLAS: I was just thinking something similar myself... ARTHUR: No, it was these African hunting dogs, and what they've got is they've got an alpha dog, beta dogs, and "amigo" dogs. MARTIN: Amigo dogs? DOUGLAS: Surely you've heard of amigo dogs. Spanish breed, very friendly, often found in threes... MARTIN: Omega? Do you mean omega? ARTHUR: (still chewing) Oh, yeah, maybe. Anyway, when they kill something, the alpha dog eats as much as he wants first, then the beta dogs have a go, and then the "amigo" dogs have the leftovers. And that's like us, isn't it? MARTIN: Well, not really, because Douglas and I share the cheese tray. ARTHUR: So? MARTIN: Well, so the alpha dog and the beta dog are eating together. DOUGLAS: And which is which, pray? MARTIN: I think that's perfectly obvious, don't you? DOUGLAS: Yes, I do. MARTIN: So do I. DOUGLAS: Good. ARTHUR: No, no, I meant you're the two beta dogs. MARTIN: What? ARTHUR: Because Mum always has the Camembert off the tray before I bring it in? MARTIN: What?! DOUGLAS: There's Camembert?! We never get any Camembert! ARTHUR: Though thinking about it, that is a secret. MARTIN: Carolyn! (door opens) CAROLYN: Gentlemen! DOUGLAS: Carolyn, we have a complaint. CAROLYN: Oh dear me. Tell you what, why don't you write it down, put it in an envelope, tear it in half, throw it away and shut your face. In the mean time, attend: are you busy on Monday? MARTIN and DOUGLAS: Yes. CAROLYN: Quite right, full marks. Now, prepare to learn what it is you will be busy doing. MARTIN: No, Carolyn, Monday's a day off. It's been on the wall chart for ages. CAROLYN: Wall charts can lie, Martin, notoriously deceitful, the wall chart. Anyway, on Monday you'll be delighted to learn I have booked us a refresher SEP course. MARTIN: Oh, no! DOUGLAS: Carolyn! ARTHUR: What's a... that? MARTIN: Safety and Emergency Procedures. Amongst other things, jumping into a cold swimming pool in uniform and scrambling into life rafts. ARTHUR: Brilliant! MARTIN: No, that's a bad... Oh, never mind. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I don't need a refresher. CAROLYN: 'course you do. Procedures change, Douglas. Aircraft change. DOUGLAS: The only time this aircraft changes is when another bit falls off it. CAROLYN: Well, procedures change. DOUGLAS: Is it still pull to go up, push to go down? CAROLYN: Yes. DOUGLAS: I'm fine then. CAROLYN: You are all going, because if you don't, the CAA will stop you flying, and although Heaven knows that's not a bad idea, my job depends on preventing it. ARTHUR: Where is it? CAROLYN: Ipswich. ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant, where I went before. Will there be more learning how to understand people? CAROLYN: No, Arthur, I think you understand as much about people as you ever will. ARTHUR: Thanks, Mum, what a nice thing to say. CAROLYN: Case in point. (sounds of cars, loud honking) CAROLYN: Oh, pipe down! Do you not have overtaking in Ipswich? ARTHUR: Give me another one, Mum. CAROLYN: All right. How many loud hailers are there in the aft cabinet? ARTHUR: OK. And aft is the... one at the... front? CAROLYN: Back. ARTHUR: Back, back, I meant back. CAROLYN: The fore comes before the aft that comes after. DOUGLAS: I haven't heard that one before. CAROLYN: That's because no one but Arthur has ever needed a mnemonic for fore and aft. MARTIN: Two in the aft cabinet, none in the fore, one in the flight deck. CAROLYN: Yes, Martin, but please try and let Arthur answer one. DOUGLAS: How do you know all this stuff, Martin? MARTIN: It is my duty to be familiar with the safety equipment of the aircraft I command. DOUGLAS: Goodness. Harken to the mighty woof of the alpha dog. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: Arthur was telling us about that documentary. Martin is labouring under the delusion that he is the alpha dog in this organisation. CAROLYN: Aha! Whereas you of course correctly reminded him that I am. DOUGLAS: You have the loudest bark, certainly, but I like to think I am the one who brings down the hartebeest. ARTHUR: Douglas, you give me a question. DOUGLAS: Oh, I don't know any of this stuff. MARTIN: Then how do you think you're gonna pass the exam? DOUGLAS: Luck. MARTIN: You can't rely on luck! DOUGLAS: You can't rely on luck. ARTHUR: Skip, you give me one. MARTIN: All right. At what number of passengers does it become compulsory to carry at least one flight attendant? ARTHUR: Well, we always carry at least one, so therefore... no passengers? MARTIN: No, nineteen. ARTHUR: Oh, all right. It depends though. MARTIN: No, no, it doesn't depend. The answer is nineteen. ARTHUR: Yeah, but if it's somewhere nice Mum will come. Or if the passengers are important. Or if she's bored. MARTIN: Yes, but if you say any of that, you'll fail, whereas if you say 19, you won't fail. Do you understand that? 19, 19 passengers, one cabin crew. 19. DOUGLAS: 19. MARTIN: 19. CAROLYN: Will you all please stop saying 19? ARTHUR: I didn't say 19! MARTIN: That is exactly the problem! (car stops) DR DUNCAN: Hello! Hello! Miss Knapp-Shappey? CAROLYN: That's right, yes. DR DUNCAN: Hello, I'm Dr Duncan, Peter Duncan, not the Peter Duncan. CAROLYN: Not which Peter Duncan? DR DUNCAN: Who's Peter Duncan? DR DUNCAN: Peter Duncan, from Blue Peter in the 80s. And Duncan Dares. ARTHUR: Oh yes, I remember him! He was great! DR DUNCAN: Yes, well, I'm not him. A-ha-ha! ARTHUR: Oh. CAROLYN: Jolly good, now this is Captain Martin Crieff, First Officer Douglas Richardson- DR DUNCAN: Hello- CAROLYN: No, no, no, the other way around. MARTIN: Oh, for the love of... CAROLYN: And Arthur Shappey, steward. DR DUNCAN: Right, so, you're the advanced guard, are you? CAROLYN: How do you mean? DR DUNCAN: Well, just that the others haven't arrived yet. CAROLYN: Which others would those be? DR DUNCAN: Well, the... rest of the airline? CAROLYN: Dr Duncan, you see before you... the airline! Drink us in. DR DUNCAN: There's four hundred of you? CAROLYN: Are there though? Count again. DR DUNCAN: Not 400. CAROLYN: Four. DR DUNCAN: Right. That's unfortunate. I should probably speak to catering. Anyway, welcome, I'll be looking after the classroom side of things, and Mr Sargent - Mr Sargent! Can I borrow you? MR SARGENT: Good morning! DR DUNCAN: After a quick CRM lecture, Mr Sargent will be putting you through the pool drill, then after lunch we'll have the exam and finally, Mr Sargent will take you through the smoke-filled fuselage. DOUGLAS: Metaphorically? MR SARGENT: No, sir, not metaphorically, sir, no. We 'ad a bit of a job gettin' our 'ands on a metaphorical fuselage, sir, and even if you can track one down it's a bugger to unfill it with a simile of some smoke. DOUGLAS: I see. Tell me, Mr Sargent, were you in the RAF by any chance? MR SARGENT: I certainly was. DOUGLAS: And were you a sergeant, Mr Sargent? MR SARGENT: No, sir, I wasn't a sergeant, because as we just established, I was in the RA bleedin' F, not the bleedin' army, so I was a warrant officer. But since my name is not Warren Tofficer, this occasioned no bleedin' mirth whatsoever. DR DUNCAN: Right, good! Good to get that sorted out, now if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna dash off and do what I can to hold back 400 quiches. MARTIN: Must you sit at the back, Douglas? DOUGLAS: I always sit at the back. MARTIN: But there's only two of us in a lecture theatre with 500 seats. DOUGLAS: Some of which are at the back. DR DUNCAN: Sorry I'm late, chaps, trying to intercept the caterers. MARTIN: Did you manage? DR DUNCAN: No. Hope you've got an appetite. Right, Douglas, do you want to join us down here, maybe? DOUGLAS: No, I'm fine. DR DUNCAN: Right, fair enough. All right, well, um, why don't we come and join you at the back? MARTIN: Oh, for goodness sake... (sound of footsteps) DR DUNCAN: Now then, I want to talk to you today about the potentially dangerous mindsets a pilot can get themselves into, and in particular what are known as the six deadly Is. These are... MARTIN: Impatience, impulsivity, invulnerability, insecurity, indecision and "I know best". DR DUNCAN: Absolutely, yes, gosh, well done. So, let's take them one by one. "I know best" is the anti-authority attitude that rules and regulations don't apply to you, that you make up your own laws. Now, I don't know if either of you have ever flown with anyone like that- MARTIN: Yeah, me, I have, yes, I definitely have. DR DUNCAN: Right, well, don't name any names... MARTIN: Oh no, no, no, certainly not, no, no, no, let's um, let's call him... Dougal. Dougal ignores safety briefings, tech checks, he can barely be persuaded to file a flight plan, he basically thinks he's always right. DOUGLAS: Has it occurred to you that maybe Dougal is always right? MARTIN: Hah, it's definitely occurred to Dougal. DR DUNCAN: O-kay. Great. Well next, impulsivity. That's the tendency of some pilots to panic under pressure, to do the first thing they think of just for the sake of doing something. Now again, you may never h...
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