Myhr's Adventure In Hell by P. N. Elrod P.N. "Pat" Elrod has written over fifteen novels, including The Vampire Files, featuring the wisecracking, undead detective, Jack Fleming. She's collaborating with actor Nigel Bennett (LaCroix of TV's Forever Knight) on a new series of novels beginning with their highly acclaimed Keeper of the King, and she coedited Time of the Vampires and Dracula in London with Martin H. Greenberg. Elrod is currently working on novels featuring Myhr and Terrin, who are based on two of her real-life friends. Those curious to know what the real Myhr looks like can visit www.users.zetnet.co.uk/suehaley/lair.htm or www.xim.com/.html CLANK-clank-cltmk? The unmistakable sound of men in armor, marching. I was happily snoozing on a primo patch of sundrenched, cushiony green grass, more or less keeping a protective eye on Terrin's magic crystals. The clattering progress of the men up the path jolted me wide awake. There were a dozen of them, on the large side, armed with swords, bows, and other lethal hardware up to their well-fed teeth. My stomach growled, envious. I shushed it, reminding myself that there were worse things in life than just an acute case of munchies. Like these bruisers on their way up to the cave Tenin and I had taken over since our arrival a few weeks back. My initial alarm lessened the closer they came. Their pace was geared to match that of the slim woman trudging in their midst. I didn't know much about local customs, just enough to guess her presence lessened the chance that this was some kind of press gang. I bawled into the cave at Tenin. "Wake up! Looks like we got a business call." After a minute he sauntered out, blinking and grumpy in the glazing light. He snarled against it and slipped on his sunglasses. "They don't have those in this world yet," I reminded him. He looked down his nose at me in a superior way; since he was shorter, he had to tilt his head back to do it. Terrin could make that work, though. "I'm a wizard," he intoned as though I hadn't noticed that by now. "They will expect weird." "Just don't give them too much of a good thing." Providing a touch of the fantastic to others' lives was more obviously my specialty with my unique face, so I compensated by trying to blend in. At least I was in close approximation to local costume with a plain white tunic and buff trousers stuffed into boots. Terrin, however, never compromised. He liked loud Hawaiian shirts worn open over an old T, faded jeans?the more holes the better?and purple high-top sneakers. Today was no different, including the fact that he'd slept in everything. '?At least button the shirt." He snorted. "I'm cool with this. If people can't handle it?then, bite me." "This could be a paying deal, she looks like a lady, and you don't want to blow it by scaring her. With those goons as escort, she's got to have gems." That was the magic word to use with him. The area had been recently devastated by war, so gems were thin on the ground, delaying our departure. Terrin scowled, but buttoned his outer shirt, covering a T depicting voluptuous cartoon demon lesbians gleefully cavorting with each other in a flaming cartoon hell. It was one of his favorites. "What about those?" I motioned toward the crystals, glinting as they soaked up sun, earth, and magic-energy. "Leave 'em." "These guys might think they're valuable." Terrin held his hand out, palm down, fingers splayed. "Okay, no one'll notice them. Or step on them," he added, anticipating my next question. My ears twitched forward, hoping to catch some audible clue about the approaching woman's finances. Crystals were great for lots of magic, but fine gems were our fastest way out of this dump and back to civilized places. Civilization?I broadly defined by now?was any world with real indoor plumbing and decent toilet paper. Terrin stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets, drifting into the shade of the cave mouth to wait. I crossed my arms, echoing his blase attitude by leaning against a tall rock. It was easy for him to chill out; I think he lived on air when food was short. I wasn't so lucky about absorbing latent energy from a place. My stomach growled again. Even at a distance the woman radiated something. Wishful thinking dictated that she be my kind of gal: beautiful, rich? and extremely fond of cats. She drew close, and two men acting as vanguard parted to either side of her, hands ready on their sword hilts. As they did, I rejoiced that, by her dress and manner, she appeared to be not just merely rich, but honest-to-gawd wealthy. And beautiful. Her soft, pearl-gray eyes against skin and hair the color of cinnamon made for a knockout combination in any world. Wow. But if I was enchanted by her, then she (and her men) fairly gaped at me. Doesn't matter where I am, it always happens. People either get used to it or not. Most of the time they like it?especially people who love cats. After a few startled seconds she recovered her manners and gave me a regal nod of acknowledgment. I straightened. Manners varied from place to place, but you can't go wrong with a well-executed bow. "Are you the wizard?" she asked in a voice like honey on a hot day. I smiled?mouth closed because the fangs tended to alarm neos?and flared my lip whiskers. "I am Myhr, at your service, lady." She couldn't tear her gaze off me, which I happily accepted as a good sign. "You're his familiar, then?" My warm fuzzies turned quickly. "I'm his partner." I successfully smothered my annoyance. Terrin fell into one of his shit-eating snickery grins, not quite doubling over. People often made that assumption about me?it had to do with my feline features topping a man's body?and he took way too much delight from it. Maybe I should have had him cast a glamour so I'd look fully human, but in this isolated stopover it seemed a waste of good magic. I ignored him, determined to be professional, sweeping a grand hand in his direction. "This is the wizard." And you're welcome to him, attitude and all. 'Terrin the Awe-inspiring," he said, not taking his hands from his pockets. "Whassup?" She shifted her stare to him, evidently expecting something more dignified. Terrin's Hawaiian shirt in all its wrinkled red-and-purple glory must have been no less of a shock to her than my kisser. I was thankful he'd covered up the rutting lesbian demons. She squared herself and put on a serene but determined expression. "Word of your powers has come to me." I could have floated to Tahiti on her voice. "I understand you are well-versed in things magical." Fortunate for us this was a world where magic was accepted. More than once we'd made hasty skips to avoid lethal unpleasantness. "Lady, I am the best." Modesty was never one of Terrin's virtues. For him it was a sin he religiously avoided. 'Then I've need of your services." I shot him a warning glance?not that he'd have paid it any mind?but for once he didn't go into a Groucho Marx act after getting a good straight line. Maybe her beauty, serious manner, and sheer class had gotten through to him. That, or he'd smelled the money and knew he'd have to behave to get it. She was dressed as a widow, but in this world's equivalent of silk, rare stuff dyed to be iridescent purple in full sunlight, and enough of it to feed a city for a week. The jewels winking from her walking slippers would have fed it for the rest of the year?or powered us to a dozen different worlds. Wonder of wonders, Terrin gave a slight, formal bow, hands humbly at his sides. "I'm at your service, Lady Filima." I blinked. Her? Lady Filima Darmo herself? Eek. Yikes. She gave a small smile. "You know me? Then that will save time." "How may I serve you, Lady?" he asked in a tone tinged with genuine concern. He didn't use it often, and it always signaled serious work. My ears flattened in reaction. The guard saw, tightening his grip on his sword. As if little old unarmed me would be dumb enough to do anything violent. I'm a lover, not a fighter. "It's confidential," she said, warningly. "I'm cool with that," Terrin countered. He nodded at me. "Myhr's cool, too." The language spell he'd cast on us at our arrival translated this into a properly respectful phrase of reassurance. She let her luscious lips thin for a moment to indicate acceptance. "Very well." "Great. Come on, we'll parlie-vou." Terrin motioned toward the cave. I bowed Lady Filima ahead of me. She went with Terrin, which made her braver than most of her men, and the one guard especially didn't like it. He stared at me until I got his message; he wanted me in front of him. I tried to look harmless. He didn't like that either, but I was none too thrilled having him breathing down my neck fur. If the outside of our cave was nothing much, then the inside surpassed it. Up here in safe isolation we were back in the Stone Age, with real stones. Until he could come up with a paying job so we could leave, Terrin's talent for bartering had managed to keep us in minimal supplies as he traded minor spells for solid goods. He got a little food and sundries and turned up this nonleaking rent-free roof. That put us slightly ahead of most locals in the near-ruined city below. Terrin motioned for Lady Filima to sit on a fat boulder. She gingerly settled in, unaware of the invisible sigils hanging in the air around her and pressed into the dust at her feet. He'd drawn those in weeks ago, making this a place of power for him. While seated within its sphere she wouldn't be able to lie without getting caught; it'd light up like Times Square on New Year's. Terrin hung the sunglasses from his shirt front. His eyes were green today, going well with his red hair....
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